every day a love song

once more (always and again), i find months of time behind me and no real understanding of how they got there. 
i see days and months and years (i sure hope) before me and i've no understanding of how to reach them. 
oh, of course:
one.
day.
at.
a.
time.

Twenty Four

Twenty Four and
most of those I grew up with are settling and settled: married, birthing, and divorcing.
and I'm starting all over (all over again).




I've traveled back to Kansas to pick up my Mom's explorer (my ride to New York), and for the first time...
I look around and see that I no longer belong here. 
Strange timing.
I am just feeling all sorts of uprooted right now. 
When I get back to Minneapolis I'm gonna sink my toes in the dirt in my garden and at Hidden Beach. I'm gonna pick the raspberries off my raspberry bushes and bake a pie. I'm gonna spend the next month (-) soaking up everything I love about Minneapolis. 
And when I leave, I'll say: see you soon (instead of goodbye)

a young man, a reclusive winter, a.

young man i remember 
that winter
in the field
   we stared:


at the snowflakes discovering
each one its own
(but never alone)




llllllllllllllll
and i recall: 
it was you who first sat in silence with me when we were too chilled to weep
it was you who first held my hand and gave me your shoulder
it was you who RAGED with me
who mourned with me
who ran with me


as i recall, little brother:
since the day i met you, and every day I've met you since...
you've been my deliverance
my constant summer in this gripping winter.

every man. every man for himself

its hard to say
whether distancing myself from you 
(and you) (and you) (and you)
is a matter. 
      a matter of fear. 
      (or)
      selfishness.
      (or hopefully)
      an attempt at maintaining sanity. 
"i wanted you and i was looking for you but i couldn't find you"

when i am with you
i am not with you
(or you) (or you) (or you)
we are alone.
       together.
       (i guess)
       i miss you. 
       (or i wish i could)
       do you remember holding my hand?
"ya, nevermind."


i'd really like
to be nervous
(near you) (near you) (near you)
instead 
of
so
________
(what is this?)

oh ho :: oh ho

O ---->
O----------->
O-->
O-------------------->

(snowball fight)


My little brother was home for a few days (just left this morning boooo) and I was able to spend time with him for the first time in a year! He's all Airforce strong now so I can't successfully beat him up, but I tried several times. We went to visit our Grandpa on Christmas Eve. Went to service at the church we grew up in. I'm not a fan of church but I like going there for all of the memories and for the people I remember seeing as a little girl. This year was particularly lovely because I heard my Grandpa sing for the first time ever.
Jeremy and I listened to Queen and Tenacious D the whole way there and back...which was ridiculous.

Christmas Day was the best (again, despite the sick).
6am service in Lindsborg. I made stupid jokes all the way to town, and Jeremy and discussed candlelight services and raves...Dyhana had me do her hair and then cuddled with me/slept on me through the whole service. Home for swedish pancakes, stockings, gifts, and piles of naps. After a few hours, both of my brothers (and sisterinlaw and niece) left and it was just me, mama, and willis. we watched movies
allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll day.
laziest day of my life. thank you.

so maybe Christmas doesnt suck after all.

few things

i tucked my niece into bed a while ago.

"goodnight niece, i love you" i said.

"goodnight auntie, i love you" she replied.

"ill see you soon"

"ill see you soon"

i remember the day she was born, all those years ago.

the moon is not the sun you crave

and the sun is not the sun you crave.
the eclipse is what we need.
and the smell of burning wood
silver blades of brome
floors remembering your steps
pillows that know your cheeks
dogs that love your mistakes
crystals that cast rainbows
a wind that kisses your cheeks
stars that offer you their hands
moms that hold you close
brothers that remember your youth
fotos that hold your gaze
friends who know your place
time that lets you sit
time that lets you run
time that...

and the moon is not the sun you crave.

(also, ok. so this morning i heard the phone ring, and woke up with a start. in my attempt to answer, i got out of bed and started "walking" towards  it and crumpled to the floor. my legs didn't take me but a step and i just lay there on the ground confused and looking at my skinned knees.)