every man. every man for himself

its hard to say
whether distancing myself from you 
(and you) (and you) (and you)
is a matter. 
      a matter of fear. 
      (or)
      selfishness.
      (or hopefully)
      an attempt at maintaining sanity. 
"i wanted you and i was looking for you but i couldn't find you"

when i am with you
i am not with you
(or you) (or you) (or you)
we are alone.
       together.
       (i guess)
       i miss you. 
       (or i wish i could)
       do you remember holding my hand?
"ya, nevermind."


i'd really like
to be nervous
(near you) (near you) (near you)
instead 
of
so
________
(what is this?)