oh ho :: oh ho

O ---->
O----------->
O-->
O-------------------->

(snowball fight)


My little brother was home for a few days (just left this morning boooo) and I was able to spend time with him for the first time in a year! He's all Airforce strong now so I can't successfully beat him up, but I tried several times. We went to visit our Grandpa on Christmas Eve. Went to service at the church we grew up in. I'm not a fan of church but I like going there for all of the memories and for the people I remember seeing as a little girl. This year was particularly lovely because I heard my Grandpa sing for the first time ever.
Jeremy and I listened to Queen and Tenacious D the whole way there and back...which was ridiculous.

Christmas Day was the best (again, despite the sick).
6am service in Lindsborg. I made stupid jokes all the way to town, and Jeremy and discussed candlelight services and raves...Dyhana had me do her hair and then cuddled with me/slept on me through the whole service. Home for swedish pancakes, stockings, gifts, and piles of naps. After a few hours, both of my brothers (and sisterinlaw and niece) left and it was just me, mama, and willis. we watched movies
allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll day.
laziest day of my life. thank you.

so maybe Christmas doesnt suck after all.

few things

i tucked my niece into bed a while ago.

"goodnight niece, i love you" i said.

"goodnight auntie, i love you" she replied.

"ill see you soon"

"ill see you soon"

i remember the day she was born, all those years ago.

the moon is not the sun you crave

and the sun is not the sun you crave.
the eclipse is what we need.
and the smell of burning wood
silver blades of brome
floors remembering your steps
pillows that know your cheeks
dogs that love your mistakes
crystals that cast rainbows
a wind that kisses your cheeks
stars that offer you their hands
moms that hold you close
brothers that remember your youth
fotos that hold your gaze
friends who know your place
time that lets you sit
time that lets you run
time that...

and the moon is not the sun you crave.

(also, ok. so this morning i heard the phone ring, and woke up with a start. in my attempt to answer, i got out of bed and started "walking" towards  it and crumpled to the floor. my legs didn't take me but a step and i just lay there on the ground confused and looking at my skinned knees.)

a poem for December's daughter/the girl newest to my heart/my friend

i know this:


if it is a sheet of glass and cotton
you wish to press your feet upon
    a wintry world where color is so subtle
    your eyes must be bright indeed to see
    (a rainbow in every snowflake),
if it is stone and iron
you wish to work your hands against
    when you use heat as the sun gives it
    and your callouses mark your efforts,
    (as a nail, you are binding), 
if your will is a traveler
if your heart is a lover
you will be fulfilled. 
if you wish to bathe in every water
cross every border
taste every spice
     (cumin and sage will be your blood)
if you wish to sing every song
laugh every full-bellied laugh
hold every hand
    (for so many need holding)
if it is a waltz
you wish to bend with
    where your feet move as heartbeats
    and each turn births grace
    (joy, hope, confidence, and growth),
if your will is a traveler
if your heart is a lover
you will be fulfilled. 


(you will be fulfilled.)

someone flipped the feel-good switch in my heart

I went to pick up one of my students - Kenya - from her class a minute ago. Upon entering the classroom I was confronted with a mad wall of laughter and joviality. 23 students ran wild in the room, laughing, smiling, talking excitedly, - all adorned with brand-new hats and mittens. The children in this class are usually very happy and pleasant, but I have never seen them like this:: they were soooo ecstatic! 


I asked their teacher where the hats came from and she explained that every December for the past 15 years a group of nurses has come to Bancroft with bags bursting with hats and mittens for the third grade classes. I have worked here for two years and although my students aren't the poorest of the poor, most of the parents can not afford to replace winter items as frequently as children tend to lose them... so there will be days or weeks where a child will not have his/her gloves or a scarf, etc.
Yesterday one of my students lost her snow pants and she freaked out saying "mama's gonna be so sad at me!!" It broke my heart in the worst way, and today its been broken in the best way. 


Last night I had a conversation with a friend that expressed some despair for the fickleness and downright meanness of people, but today all I feel is an overwhelming feeling of Hope and appreciation. 


If you happen to be one of the awesome people, thank you. 
If not, get your shit together. 


<3

..castlesseltsac..

winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter


someone set a brick across my spine when i was a child. 
it aches still, but
the damage i had thought was permanent, seems not to be.