la maschera #1

so far. so good!

iowa and back

*i escaped to this field a number of times while in Iowa: nobodies winning, nobodies losing. 
*hugged my mom (always good)
*got stuck in traffic behind a bee accident
*feeling equal parts happy, equal parts exhausted
*dentist told me i am a highly evolved creature: thats a good sign i think (HA)
*ghetto-creeps drove beside me 3 blocks, told me all of the filthy things they wanted to do to me
*african dance. sacred harp. bike. needle-felting with Raychel. 
*chicago daydreaming

 

concrete

I'm learning how to walk atop this moving barrel, 

but I lose my balance frequently. I do not strive to move at a great pace, or never fall,

but rather to be able brush myself off and climb back on top calmly (but quickly.)

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
5/18/2010

You might not know what to think now that your eyes have been opened to a wider vision of your life, only to find yourself quickly crashing into reality. Your blind optimism turns to cynicism and then, fortunately you can settle into a sensible approach to manage your daily routine. Don't worry about what just happened or what may be in the future. Instead, keep yourself busy by progressing steadily toward your dreams, taking one concrete step at a time.

SOULI

Fatawu singing the drums for Souli

xochitl and love

i said hello to Xochitl, but she didnt stand up to hug me. 

(Xochitl and I always share hugs)

i knelt down beside her and asked how she fared. 

she looked at me with these sad sad eyes,
threw her arms around me and held on tightly... 

after some time she said 'i dont feel good'

i held onto Xochitl for few minutes and invited her to come to my office. 

we sat together for a long while...in a hug and conversation. 

ive been falling in love with these children for 9 months. 

ive felt like i love them, ive told people that i love them. 

but this morning.... aw man, this morning.... 

This morning I felt more love towards a person than I can remember ever feeling. 

when Xochitl said ' i dont feel good' "i" disappeared.

the universe expanded, and i could see it all behind this little girls' eyes. 

time swayed, and it was led by her. 

the entirety of my life...blossomed. 

and now i am positive. now i REALLY know. 

its all worth it. everything. every loathsome and beautiful moment. 

heartbreak. death. loss. miscommunication... things to mourn but not to hold. 

So i know its risky. and i know it will hurt me eventually... but i love you--->

i love you even though i know i shouldnt

i love you even though you dont want me to

i love you even though it hurts

i love you though you may not love me

i cant help it. i wont have it any other way. 

((listen to Fill Your Hearts by David Bowie)) 

seeds for your teeth

i feel like typing. 

but i dont feel like committing to typing. 

these are my immediate wants: 

popcorn

for the gray skies and rain to cease and desist 

to rewind twenty minutes and not punch myself in the nose

more popcorn

to learn how to tango. really. really. well

either someone lovely or a giant pillow to curl up and sleep with

oh. and world peace. 

l'amicizia

because its annoying when people say they want to "get" to know you... 
and they do all the "getting" while you do all the giving.

mi piace le frazione come questo:

1/1 o 2/2

ma non come questo:

3/1 o 2/16

io penso a voi

(sono buono a chiedersi)

TU pensi a mi, per favore

come questo: 3/3 o 15/5

(anche con/in/durante tristezza)

il nome e' l'amicizia

daughter

i have been dreaming of my future child(ren) since i was 17...and in my sleep there has always been the same chubby little boy. sometimes he is an infant and sometimes he is a toddler. once or twice he has been as old as 8 years old. i can't recall a single dream with a girl child...

last night i dreamt i was playing with my daughter. her eyes were like honey!

her hair was the color of mine when i was as young (3?,) but as curly as my Mama's. 

we were playing together on a sunny lawn. she would kiss me somewhere and i would kiss her back on the same spot. i would kiss the wrong place purposefully every once in a while and it would send her into a fit of giggles.

i am a serious dreamer. (in more ways than one)

i dreamt of my grandmother's death a year before cancer took her away. 

i've known of most of the big changes in my life before they happen and every once in a while i dream for the people in my life. 

so i wonder. why a little girl? after so many years of the same little boy...why is my dream-child now a daughter?

ok star tribune, thank you

"PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20). Perhaps you do not believe that your current situation lives up to your standards. And yet in some way it may be fulfilling your deepest needs and ideals. You just don't know it yet."

i like this one; its reassuring.

its not that i necessarily believe in horoscopes, but i appreciate the reflection... and i enjoy the thought of somebody taking the time to write them.

Sacred Harp

i spent the past 6 hours in St. Paul singing shape notes with about 50 people. i recorded many of the songs: although the difference between listening to a recording of Sacred Harp and being in the room with it is phenomenal. being there, being inside that sound is fierce. it pulls me inside out. it tears me apart and leaves me shaken. 
the bit that i attached was the closing song. i couldn't figure out how to cut the prayer off the end.. but i suppose you could listen to that as well. not many of the people there were singing for religious reasons... the majority of us were just there for the MOVEMENT.