ant #1

little ant #1 of 4 and the amazing french toast and bananas that Overalls made for me between ants. 

god i love giving tattoos.

your lies + my lies = the truth

e

if i could be with you now, i would take your shoulders warmly and hold you out, 

looking you firmly in the eyes. instead, this: 

I've got a terrible cold. During the day its not so bad: i sniffle, sneeze, 
and my voice is hoarse...

The nights are rough: i cough, i can't breathe, i'm uncomfortable, etc. etc. etc. 

Last night I fell asleep with a red cough drop in my mouth and drooled on my pillow. 

Today, my pillow case is a lovely shade of pink!

Thats how it is.

 My piano is out of tune, but I'm learning to play it. 

The sun wasn't out for 2 weeks, but it was out today.

I'm not where I want to be sometimes, but I'm where I need to be. 

I can't be with those I want to be with, but I get to daydream and plan for adventures. 

Bancroft

Today is the last day of school. 
I had to fill out one of those reflection surveys for my Americorps experience and I thought it was appropriate that there was never actually a place where I could share my thoughts. 
So here we go: 

I signed on for this year of service for a number of reasons: i love teaching, i love working with kids, i was confident i could do it well, education award, there were NO other jobs, health care...
Now, almost a year later, I find myself taking a big breath of relief as the promise of almost 3 months away from this job await me.... and yet another big breath as I prepare myself for the year of service that lies beyond those 3 months. 

A lot of good has come from my Americorps experience. 
Survival, for instance... 
I worked a year of 50 hour work weeks for the massive pay of...wait for it.... $900.00 per month and I'm healthy. 
I've paid my rent, my phonebill, my student loan payments, etc. without fail or fear, and somehow managed to afford a trip to NY and weekend outings with friends. Of course, none of that would have been possible without taxpayers and food stamps (thank you thank you.)   SO, thank you Americorps for helping me learn how to be good at being poor! 
Of course, the kids have been amazing.... from Xochitl, who makes the world bright (and also happens to share my birthday and have the most beautiful name in existence).. to Kenneth, who would never communicate beyond shaking his head yes or no, but who always smiled shyly when he saw me and reacted more from praise and worked harder than any other child I worked with.... to Habib, who told me i wasnt allowed to listen to Nigerian music, that he hated my hair, and who came to my office every morning to say hello.... 
they were all amazing, and I'm looking forward to seeing them again next year. 
(not to mention...i have 3 sweet secret handshakes with some 1st graders)


Americorps is not all good though... and I'm not even talking about the being poor part. 
I'm talking about being expected to work fulltime for so little $ and so little support and being treated like children. Regardless of whether or not you call something a job should have nothing to do with the respect you give the person working for you. Just because I teach children doesnt mean you have to treat me like I am one. I dont want to go to trainings and have snack time, sing songs, and make sticker charts with my fellow members. I want you to tell me what you want me to do, let us talk about it like adults, and let me go home with my sanity. 


Working fulltime is has been a major bummer. I've hated busting my ass all day and coming home too exhausted to use my brain. At least until February/March I could hardly get myself to do anything after work. I mean, ya...the work I've done is extremely important and I am proud of it, but for a while there, I didnt have the energy to make myself better...  Once I started doing things for myself again, the work got better too, but its still a strange existence. 


BLAH BLAH BLAH. 
one year down. one to go. and then I'M OUT OF HERE! 
this job has been pretty good for helping me see straight. I know my priorities. I know what i need to be healthy:
my mom. friends. good food. rock-out crazy dancing. constant learning. travel. treats. goals. lists. music.

//\\

I found this in the startribune a few minutes ago: 

"Loss can be a blessing if it brings people together"

 (i took this a few days ago. that day had many good skies)

suddenly its June

In January: 
my best friend and I were planning our August wedding 
I had just committed to intensive african dance training
It was cold and I stayed in most of the time
I couldnt stand the sound of my voice 
I was depressed, afraid, frustrated, angry, lost


Its June now: 
my beautiful friend and I are no longer getting married
I'm performing with my african dance teacher for the first time this weekend
Its hot and I am hardly ever home
I sing...and i am understanding of my voice 
I am excited, brave, exhausted, lonely, hopeful... 

I went from living semi-passively to Living. 
I miss Emily. Despite our end, I never felt anything but the deepest love for her. I still do. I always will. 
There are ways we could have stayed together, but seeing her like she is now... 
I am convinced that we are both in the right places, in the right way. 


I find myself playing the role of my own best friend.