oh ho :: oh ho

O ---->
O----------->
O-->
O-------------------->

(snowball fight)


My little brother was home for a few days (just left this morning boooo) and I was able to spend time with him for the first time in a year! He's all Airforce strong now so I can't successfully beat him up, but I tried several times. We went to visit our Grandpa on Christmas Eve. Went to service at the church we grew up in. I'm not a fan of church but I like going there for all of the memories and for the people I remember seeing as a little girl. This year was particularly lovely because I heard my Grandpa sing for the first time ever.
Jeremy and I listened to Queen and Tenacious D the whole way there and back...which was ridiculous.

Christmas Day was the best (again, despite the sick).
6am service in Lindsborg. I made stupid jokes all the way to town, and Jeremy and discussed candlelight services and raves...Dyhana had me do her hair and then cuddled with me/slept on me through the whole service. Home for swedish pancakes, stockings, gifts, and piles of naps. After a few hours, both of my brothers (and sisterinlaw and niece) left and it was just me, mama, and willis. we watched movies
allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll day.
laziest day of my life. thank you.

so maybe Christmas doesnt suck after all.

few things

i tucked my niece into bed a while ago.

"goodnight niece, i love you" i said.

"goodnight auntie, i love you" she replied.

"ill see you soon"

"ill see you soon"

i remember the day she was born, all those years ago.

the moon is not the sun you crave

and the sun is not the sun you crave.
the eclipse is what we need.
and the smell of burning wood
silver blades of brome
floors remembering your steps
pillows that know your cheeks
dogs that love your mistakes
crystals that cast rainbows
a wind that kisses your cheeks
stars that offer you their hands
moms that hold you close
brothers that remember your youth
fotos that hold your gaze
friends who know your place
time that lets you sit
time that lets you run
time that...

and the moon is not the sun you crave.

(also, ok. so this morning i heard the phone ring, and woke up with a start. in my attempt to answer, i got out of bed and started "walking" towards  it and crumpled to the floor. my legs didn't take me but a step and i just lay there on the ground confused and looking at my skinned knees.)

a poem for December's daughter/the girl newest to my heart/my friend

i know this:


if it is a sheet of glass and cotton
you wish to press your feet upon
    a wintry world where color is so subtle
    your eyes must be bright indeed to see
    (a rainbow in every snowflake),
if it is stone and iron
you wish to work your hands against
    when you use heat as the sun gives it
    and your callouses mark your efforts,
    (as a nail, you are binding), 
if your will is a traveler
if your heart is a lover
you will be fulfilled. 
if you wish to bathe in every water
cross every border
taste every spice
     (cumin and sage will be your blood)
if you wish to sing every song
laugh every full-bellied laugh
hold every hand
    (for so many need holding)
if it is a waltz
you wish to bend with
    where your feet move as heartbeats
    and each turn births grace
    (joy, hope, confidence, and growth),
if your will is a traveler
if your heart is a lover
you will be fulfilled. 


(you will be fulfilled.)

someone flipped the feel-good switch in my heart

I went to pick up one of my students - Kenya - from her class a minute ago. Upon entering the classroom I was confronted with a mad wall of laughter and joviality. 23 students ran wild in the room, laughing, smiling, talking excitedly, - all adorned with brand-new hats and mittens. The children in this class are usually very happy and pleasant, but I have never seen them like this:: they were soooo ecstatic! 


I asked their teacher where the hats came from and she explained that every December for the past 15 years a group of nurses has come to Bancroft with bags bursting with hats and mittens for the third grade classes. I have worked here for two years and although my students aren't the poorest of the poor, most of the parents can not afford to replace winter items as frequently as children tend to lose them... so there will be days or weeks where a child will not have his/her gloves or a scarf, etc.
Yesterday one of my students lost her snow pants and she freaked out saying "mama's gonna be so sad at me!!" It broke my heart in the worst way, and today its been broken in the best way. 


Last night I had a conversation with a friend that expressed some despair for the fickleness and downright meanness of people, but today all I feel is an overwhelming feeling of Hope and appreciation. 


If you happen to be one of the awesome people, thank you. 
If not, get your shit together. 


<3

..castlesseltsac..

winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter
winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter  winterwinterwinter


someone set a brick across my spine when i was a child. 
it aches still, but
the damage i had thought was permanent, seems not to be.

it seems

...i've been living a sweet sweet life

 me and L, zombie pub crawl

 err um. me!

 The last day of September... peaceful

 My bike sunbathing in SEPTEMBER!

 Lady Gaga Monster Ball (ya, thats right)

 Robin Cotton's show: A Night Box (in our gallery)

Poor Farm

ee

some e.e. cummings to whoever will help to build me and not break me: 

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

septiembre

it seems i've not made note of anything here in some time. 
not for lack of things to say, joys or sorrows to share, or tedium to cipher through. 


if i had the words or the skill (skillZ),
 i would write a sonnet to/for september
[the most beloved month]
BUT, as I am lacking in these (those?) regards, 
I must be satisfied with THANK YOU. 
dearest septiembre, 
you have offered me a strange peace i've not felt before. 
you've shaken me to my very marrow, 
and though you are leaving me exhausted, you're leaving me strong. 




"My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse." 
-Gabo, In Time of Cholera
(im going to read everything gabriel garcia marquez has written, 
thanks to Rudy for gifting me 100 Years of Solitude)

dear full time job:

please spare me energy for the times we're not together. 
i dont like you all that much,
 and i fear you're going to steal my all of my sap again this year. 

really.

its 3:40 in the morn...
why are my neighbors packing their car with fishing poles and bait? ( i mean, other than the fishing part )


i guess.... WHY AM I NOT FISHING NOW????????


please come back

kituo.

mara kwa mara (from time to time)


some things, when they make no sense, can be better understood through another language. 
here's a preview:


jua. thelugi. kaimono o shit-tai no desu ga. 
yez-deet vehr-hohm. zeh ee em ah.


xo

different in . . .

whats the word?
bon soir
sittin there. 
im ok. 
where shall i meet you?
of course i would like to.
just early eve or the whole thing?
just in case you forgot the awesomeness.
i know you're busy.
sen-i-orita. 
sen-i-orita. 
im ok. 
sen-i-orita. 
how ya?
im ok. 
sen-i-orita. 

ahahahahaaaaa.... ET FOONEY

aw. um. ya.

it feels quite alien, as do i. 

they're mine now

i found a set of negatives at an antique store in chicago. this is one. 

at some point, the images from my ever growing collection of photos are going to be solid memories. 

like its just me behind the camera...taking pictures of the people and places i love. 

and...i do love them

what

its rough.
missing somebody who misses somebody else.
its good. its confusing and stressful. but its good.
its lonely, but if you're somewhere... how can you be any place else?

cried myself to sleep the other night

boo. 

hoo. 

hoo.

on a completely unrelated (well, i SUPPOSE they could be related if you've a big enough line to draw) note, i found these images on the internet yesterday! They're from the Walker Open Field Drawing Coop that I went to a few times earlier this summer.  The bottom is one that somebody else started and I finished, and the top is one that I started... and they decided didnt need anything else. 

Here's to making just for the HEY of it!

put a live banker in your boca

In 1931 Dr. William Braid White proposed the idea that every city has its own ground tone. "New York's, he said, was pitched between A and B flat in the low bass," and London is/was close to the lowest C. Chicago...Dr. White placed Chicago's ground town at E flat. I wonder what Minneapolis' ground tone is. 

What does it sound like to go from MPLS, to NY, to MPLS, to CHI, and back to MPLS again? X A/B X Eflat X

a double rainbow kind of summer so far

i fainted this morning:

ten minutes later "took part" in a one-sided conversation about this woman's demons, the witches curses she's been put under, and the way something is pulling her spine through her eyes and into the heavens.... one man told me all about his many pet snakes while scratching his balls and drawing a GIANT tarantula. another man kissed my cheek and told me he loved me after i complimented the watermelon pineapple guitar clock he had just finished.

everything i could say about my summer is either summed up by or overshadowed by the above. 

i am excited and exhausted. 

i am FULL and missing. 

i am surrounded and alone. 

i'm alive! 

ant #1

little ant #1 of 4 and the amazing french toast and bananas that Overalls made for me between ants. 

god i love giving tattoos.

your lies + my lies = the truth

e

if i could be with you now, i would take your shoulders warmly and hold you out, 

looking you firmly in the eyes. instead, this: 

I've got a terrible cold. During the day its not so bad: i sniffle, sneeze, 
and my voice is hoarse...

The nights are rough: i cough, i can't breathe, i'm uncomfortable, etc. etc. etc. 

Last night I fell asleep with a red cough drop in my mouth and drooled on my pillow. 

Today, my pillow case is a lovely shade of pink!

Thats how it is.

 My piano is out of tune, but I'm learning to play it. 

The sun wasn't out for 2 weeks, but it was out today.

I'm not where I want to be sometimes, but I'm where I need to be. 

I can't be with those I want to be with, but I get to daydream and plan for adventures. 

Bancroft

Today is the last day of school. 
I had to fill out one of those reflection surveys for my Americorps experience and I thought it was appropriate that there was never actually a place where I could share my thoughts. 
So here we go: 

I signed on for this year of service for a number of reasons: i love teaching, i love working with kids, i was confident i could do it well, education award, there were NO other jobs, health care...
Now, almost a year later, I find myself taking a big breath of relief as the promise of almost 3 months away from this job await me.... and yet another big breath as I prepare myself for the year of service that lies beyond those 3 months. 

A lot of good has come from my Americorps experience. 
Survival, for instance... 
I worked a year of 50 hour work weeks for the massive pay of...wait for it.... $900.00 per month and I'm healthy. 
I've paid my rent, my phonebill, my student loan payments, etc. without fail or fear, and somehow managed to afford a trip to NY and weekend outings with friends. Of course, none of that would have been possible without taxpayers and food stamps (thank you thank you.)   SO, thank you Americorps for helping me learn how to be good at being poor! 
Of course, the kids have been amazing.... from Xochitl, who makes the world bright (and also happens to share my birthday and have the most beautiful name in existence).. to Kenneth, who would never communicate beyond shaking his head yes or no, but who always smiled shyly when he saw me and reacted more from praise and worked harder than any other child I worked with.... to Habib, who told me i wasnt allowed to listen to Nigerian music, that he hated my hair, and who came to my office every morning to say hello.... 
they were all amazing, and I'm looking forward to seeing them again next year. 
(not to mention...i have 3 sweet secret handshakes with some 1st graders)


Americorps is not all good though... and I'm not even talking about the being poor part. 
I'm talking about being expected to work fulltime for so little $ and so little support and being treated like children. Regardless of whether or not you call something a job should have nothing to do with the respect you give the person working for you. Just because I teach children doesnt mean you have to treat me like I am one. I dont want to go to trainings and have snack time, sing songs, and make sticker charts with my fellow members. I want you to tell me what you want me to do, let us talk about it like adults, and let me go home with my sanity. 


Working fulltime is has been a major bummer. I've hated busting my ass all day and coming home too exhausted to use my brain. At least until February/March I could hardly get myself to do anything after work. I mean, ya...the work I've done is extremely important and I am proud of it, but for a while there, I didnt have the energy to make myself better...  Once I started doing things for myself again, the work got better too, but its still a strange existence. 


BLAH BLAH BLAH. 
one year down. one to go. and then I'M OUT OF HERE! 
this job has been pretty good for helping me see straight. I know my priorities. I know what i need to be healthy:
my mom. friends. good food. rock-out crazy dancing. constant learning. travel. treats. goals. lists. music.

//\\

I found this in the startribune a few minutes ago: 

"Loss can be a blessing if it brings people together"

 (i took this a few days ago. that day had many good skies)

suddenly its June

In January: 
my best friend and I were planning our August wedding 
I had just committed to intensive african dance training
It was cold and I stayed in most of the time
I couldnt stand the sound of my voice 
I was depressed, afraid, frustrated, angry, lost


Its June now: 
my beautiful friend and I are no longer getting married
I'm performing with my african dance teacher for the first time this weekend
Its hot and I am hardly ever home
I sing...and i am understanding of my voice 
I am excited, brave, exhausted, lonely, hopeful... 

I went from living semi-passively to Living. 
I miss Emily. Despite our end, I never felt anything but the deepest love for her. I still do. I always will. 
There are ways we could have stayed together, but seeing her like she is now... 
I am convinced that we are both in the right places, in the right way. 


I find myself playing the role of my own best friend.

la maschera #1

so far. so good!

iowa and back

*i escaped to this field a number of times while in Iowa: nobodies winning, nobodies losing. 
*hugged my mom (always good)
*got stuck in traffic behind a bee accident
*feeling equal parts happy, equal parts exhausted
*dentist told me i am a highly evolved creature: thats a good sign i think (HA)
*ghetto-creeps drove beside me 3 blocks, told me all of the filthy things they wanted to do to me
*african dance. sacred harp. bike. needle-felting with Raychel. 
*chicago daydreaming

 

concrete

I'm learning how to walk atop this moving barrel, 

but I lose my balance frequently. I do not strive to move at a great pace, or never fall,

but rather to be able brush myself off and climb back on top calmly (but quickly.)

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
5/18/2010

You might not know what to think now that your eyes have been opened to a wider vision of your life, only to find yourself quickly crashing into reality. Your blind optimism turns to cynicism and then, fortunately you can settle into a sensible approach to manage your daily routine. Don't worry about what just happened or what may be in the future. Instead, keep yourself busy by progressing steadily toward your dreams, taking one concrete step at a time.

SOULI

Fatawu singing the drums for Souli

xochitl and love

i said hello to Xochitl, but she didnt stand up to hug me. 

(Xochitl and I always share hugs)

i knelt down beside her and asked how she fared. 

she looked at me with these sad sad eyes,
threw her arms around me and held on tightly... 

after some time she said 'i dont feel good'

i held onto Xochitl for few minutes and invited her to come to my office. 

we sat together for a long while...in a hug and conversation. 

ive been falling in love with these children for 9 months. 

ive felt like i love them, ive told people that i love them. 

but this morning.... aw man, this morning.... 

This morning I felt more love towards a person than I can remember ever feeling. 

when Xochitl said ' i dont feel good' "i" disappeared.

the universe expanded, and i could see it all behind this little girls' eyes. 

time swayed, and it was led by her. 

the entirety of my life...blossomed. 

and now i am positive. now i REALLY know. 

its all worth it. everything. every loathsome and beautiful moment. 

heartbreak. death. loss. miscommunication... things to mourn but not to hold. 

So i know its risky. and i know it will hurt me eventually... but i love you--->

i love you even though i know i shouldnt

i love you even though you dont want me to

i love you even though it hurts

i love you though you may not love me

i cant help it. i wont have it any other way. 

((listen to Fill Your Hearts by David Bowie)) 

seeds for your teeth

i feel like typing. 

but i dont feel like committing to typing. 

these are my immediate wants: 

popcorn

for the gray skies and rain to cease and desist 

to rewind twenty minutes and not punch myself in the nose

more popcorn

to learn how to tango. really. really. well

either someone lovely or a giant pillow to curl up and sleep with

oh. and world peace. 

l'amicizia

because its annoying when people say they want to "get" to know you... 
and they do all the "getting" while you do all the giving.

mi piace le frazione come questo:

1/1 o 2/2

ma non come questo:

3/1 o 2/16

io penso a voi

(sono buono a chiedersi)

TU pensi a mi, per favore

come questo: 3/3 o 15/5

(anche con/in/durante tristezza)

il nome e' l'amicizia

daughter

i have been dreaming of my future child(ren) since i was 17...and in my sleep there has always been the same chubby little boy. sometimes he is an infant and sometimes he is a toddler. once or twice he has been as old as 8 years old. i can't recall a single dream with a girl child...

last night i dreamt i was playing with my daughter. her eyes were like honey!

her hair was the color of mine when i was as young (3?,) but as curly as my Mama's. 

we were playing together on a sunny lawn. she would kiss me somewhere and i would kiss her back on the same spot. i would kiss the wrong place purposefully every once in a while and it would send her into a fit of giggles.

i am a serious dreamer. (in more ways than one)

i dreamt of my grandmother's death a year before cancer took her away. 

i've known of most of the big changes in my life before they happen and every once in a while i dream for the people in my life. 

so i wonder. why a little girl? after so many years of the same little boy...why is my dream-child now a daughter?

ok star tribune, thank you

"PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20). Perhaps you do not believe that your current situation lives up to your standards. And yet in some way it may be fulfilling your deepest needs and ideals. You just don't know it yet."

i like this one; its reassuring.

its not that i necessarily believe in horoscopes, but i appreciate the reflection... and i enjoy the thought of somebody taking the time to write them.

Sacred Harp

i spent the past 6 hours in St. Paul singing shape notes with about 50 people. i recorded many of the songs: although the difference between listening to a recording of Sacred Harp and being in the room with it is phenomenal. being there, being inside that sound is fierce. it pulls me inside out. it tears me apart and leaves me shaken. 
the bit that i attached was the closing song. i couldn't figure out how to cut the prayer off the end.. but i suppose you could listen to that as well. not many of the people there were singing for religious reasons... the majority of us were just there for the MOVEMENT.

hope

i've had this steady sadness for months now. its been slow: sometimes unnoticeable, sometimes excruciating. (like my lungs are being cut with a dull blade so gradually i cant tell until i'm out of breath.)

this sorrow is not alone though: i've got determination in abundance. 

this is the time to store up and build on my energy so that when i see the people i am missing (all of them, all of you) i can tackle them to the ground and yell:

"CAN'T YOU SEE I LOVE YOU?!!! CAN'T YOU SEE I ALWAYS WILL?!"

i am sad, but i am FULL and learning.

for the past month i have been learning about one person in particular who has, unknowingly i think, given me a lot of hope. Hope that there is abundance of people out there who are full of life and light. 

here's to that! cin cin!!!

little brother

little brother is 20 and in the airforce // we live on different planets // 

  i would do anything for him

yea (sayer)

although i worry, i am not worried.

although i experience fear, i am not afraid.

i have sorrow, but i am not sad.

i have questions, but i do not need the answers.

i have joy, (and) i have joy. 

i trust, (and) i trust. 

i have movement, (and) i move. 

 

kids and classical

The kids got to watch Sinfonia this morning...
and I got to watch the kids watching. 

As soon as the music started, half of the children were swaying and their faces were twitching. Many children cupped their hands and clapped them on and off their ears to the beat. Some children didnt move at all, and some seemed like they didnt hear a thing. 

after 10 hours of kids

this is who i become.

thorough

Promiscuous women cause EARTHQUAKE!

a part of this

somebody said this weekend: "this fire is like classical music." i thought those lights were like fireflies and those women were children with capes.

this is it

my new piano (in its old house)